Uncomfortably at ease

Pain....words come to mind.  Exhausted.  Don't care too much of making sense.  Need to let it out, but at the same time don't even want to go there.   Moments of ok, moments even could be confused as happiness.  Uncertainty.....certain of uncertainty.  Life is art, none of it makes real sense, its not supposed to.  Sober, maybe just losing my mind, maybe just genius, maybe just hoping, probably just lost.  Too broken to cry,  too anxious to sit - want more -need more.  Alone, around millions, clastrophobic, desolate.  More, more need more.  Have no answers, need an answer...i give myself answers.   I know the truth,  I hate the truth,  I live the truth.  Don't know where my out is.  Run, I always run.  Uncomfortably at ease  -this is what i'm used to, this is what i know.  Its what i find beautiful, but need to let go of.  Always need to let go, never hold on, always on your own.  You are your all.

Time keeps on slipping.....

Time is such a funny thing.  Its one of those things I can never get right, or at least is never on my side.  I either have too much, or not enough.  When it comes to men, it's never in sync.  I'm ready, when they aren't or vice versa.  I can't figure out if I'm either the most ambitious person I know, or just so lost I can't make up my mind.  I want it all, spontaneity, lust, love, passion, adventure, stability, trust...and i want it in all aspects of my life.  Do you think i'm asking too much?  If I encompass these qualities, why is it so far fetched for me to believe someone else out there aquires them as well.  I am a hopeless romantic with a pesimistic twist.  I'm too young to be bored, and i'm too old to be so unstable, or unsettled.  WHEN IS MY BREAK?

  When in doubt, run, thats what i do best.  Ironically, this time I'm doing it literally instead of emotionally.  Thats right folks, instead of quitting everything and moving away from it all, I'm literally sweating it out my pores.  I feel so healthy and grown in so many ways I even scare myself.  I realize that i no longer can make anyone else happy, I just need to make myself happy and that's enough.  If someone can run along side and keep up, then maybe they're worth it, as of yet, they don't seem to exist.  

 Its so strange, I was recently hurt by someone I love, and I'm fine, I'm really happy,  I don't even hate them, I feel sorry for them.  I don't really even know them, and they don't know themselves.  Even better yet, I don't blame myself.  I keep waiting for the old me to come back and be self loathing and tortured, but i'm not, i'm fine.  I'm stronger than I even knew was possible.  I'm excited, I've been given a chance,  a chance at real happiness.  A chance at not having to put in all the tiring effort on my own, but a chance at being appreciated and have someone do the same for me.  Its refreshing, and this time, it didn't take much time to realize this at all...oh my god i'm a healthy adult (there goes my painting career).  Blessings come in disguises all the time, I finally unmasked this one...Hallelujah!

On to bigger fish, like how the hell do the dogs always manage to Houdini their way out of the kitchen? That my folks maybe a question for the next TIME...hehe

Look its me in a nutshell

Okay so let me start off by giving you a little hint of the type of person I am.  I am a little on the eccentric side, I have a sarcastic sense of humor, and when these blogs come off the top of my head, i can't guarantee proper grammer.  When you think you know me, I have another random trick up my sleeve.  I am in love with the idea of a fairytale ending, yet my glass is always empty.  I am a tomboy (or should i say one of the boys) who loves to surf, but on the contrary loves to dance ballet.  I drool when I sleep, I can't help it,  and have spend countless hours in the mirror creating strange faces, lip tricks, but failed at raising one eyebrow and winking.  I have the kind of laugh that is contageous and people recognize me for it. The phrase, "I knew you were here, I heard your laugh." is not uncommon for me.   I love the feeling of being embarrased, and the distraught of being lost.  I paint (what most would call) creepy paintings, and am a sympathy cryer/vomiter.  I have a phobia of hair and feet (although I'm getting better with the feet thing, the hair thing still makes me gag).  Random things always seem to be happening which is why i feel these stories should be shared.  

My sister gives me this false sense that i am funny, but i know its just cause she laughs at everything, and when i say everything, I mean EVERYTHING.  We have our own "language"  that most people could never understand, but causes us to laugh the kind of laugh that hurts.  My mom is a crazy English woman who at "12 o'clock time for a drink" can be found with a glass of wine in hand.  This is the same woman who got her belly button pierced on my 21st birthday, and in high school would die her hair blue if mine was.  My dad looks like he could be in the Italian moffia, but is one of the nicest men i know.  He probably helped mold my strange sense of humor with strange birthday cards (too many rules man), throwing snails under my feet while washing the car barefoot, and telling me I was part vampire as a child to see others reactions when i would proudly relay it at school.  My other sister is really the only somewhat sane one in the family, and leads what you may call a "normal" life with her husband, daughter, and two twin sons.  Her addiction to control seems strange to me, but I love her nonetheless.  I have the type of family you can't hide from, and everyone seems to know what is going on with me before i do.  If you tell one person something in my family, by the time you go to tell another, they've already had the phone relay going, and are aware of whats going on before you ever get to tell them.....I know I'm really lucky  (and if i ever forgot, they'd be the first to remind me).

The other day I was hungover and got into the shower with my glasses on, but i hope thats not a repeat behavior.  I hate wearing shoes, and its not uncommon for me to arrive at my destination, shortly realizing that I have forgotten to put them on.  I hate schedules (probably due to some sort of commitment issue) and everyone in my life seems to try and plan out my time for me.  I have a pantie stealing dog, that is a compulsive licker, and im convinced that if he could order a drink it would be a Cosmo so he could hold it with his pinky up.  Him and my sister's dog, Anna (which is really only referred to as Bananna), get demons and wild boar themselves around our coffee table.  My purse and truck is a disaster, I can never find my keys, i'm super clumsy (always with a black eye, broken nose, or stubbed toe) and when i go on a trip i'm always running through the airport so i don't miss my flight.  

My relationship situation has always been somewhat of a disaster....actually until now.  I always tend to date the guys that need a mother more than a girlfriend, dump me, then realized they fucked up and call back about a month later.  I am lucky to currently have a boyfriend living two doors down who is completely opposite from me....an organized, borderline OCD, gun owning, trinket collecting, motorcycling, super hot, great in bed (TMI), republican that really only shares my same sense of humor, and makes me laugh.  We've done everything backwards, and met his parents way before we were considered anything.  Even how our relationship came to be is somewhat crazy, but we don't need to get into that.  For the first time in my life, I'm in a relationship that I think is healthy, and makes me more than happy.

I am one of those people who have always known "who I am", but at all times have no idea what im doing.  I love to move (mostly because i think i don't dwell, i run from situations), but for the first time in my life, am happy where im at....well mostly.  My confusion with my career decisions are a constant struggle.  I have changed "what i want to be when i grow up" about a hundred times, and just concluded in never growing up.  I'm not afraid of anything, and scared of everything all at the same time.  I will try most anything at least once, and have a strange desire for self torture.  I like being sunburned and taking hot showers.  I like the feel of being tattoed, but hate being pinched.  Seriously, I would rather take a punch than a pinch.  I'm SUPER ticklish in places you probably didn't know people could be, and am overall a positive person.  I feel like I (or at least try) to give off the type of energy that people like to be around.  I love to live...and when i mean live, i don't mean a boring, normal type of life, I mean a crazy fly by the seat of your pants, not knowing the ending kind of live.  After reading all this, I'm sure I look like quite a catch.....but i am...I'm fabulous.