Uncomfortably at ease

Pain....words come to mind.  Exhausted.  Don't care too much of making sense.  Need to let it out, but at the same time don't even want to go there.   Moments of ok, moments even could be confused as happiness.  Uncertainty.....certain of uncertainty.  Life is art, none of it makes real sense, its not supposed to.  Sober, maybe just losing my mind, maybe just genius, maybe just hoping, probably just lost.  Too broken to cry,  too anxious to sit - want more -need more.  Alone, around millions, clastrophobic, desolate.  More, more need more.  Have no answers, need an answer...i give myself answers.   I know the truth,  I hate the truth,  I live the truth.  Don't know where my out is.  Run, I always run.  Uncomfortably at ease  -this is what i'm used to, this is what i know.  Its what i find beautiful, but need to let go of.  Always need to let go, never hold on, always on your own.  You are your all.

Time keeps on slipping.....

Time is such a funny thing.  Its one of those things I can never get right, or at least is never on my side.  I either have too much, or not enough.  When it comes to men, it's never in sync.  I'm ready, when they aren't or vice versa.  I can't figure out if I'm either the most ambitious person I know, or just so lost I can't make up my mind.  I want it all, spontaneity, lust, love, passion, adventure, stability, trust...and i want it in all aspects of my life.  Do you think i'm asking too much?  If I encompass these qualities, why is it so far fetched for me to believe someone else out there aquires them as well.  I am a hopeless romantic with a pesimistic twist.  I'm too young to be bored, and i'm too old to be so unstable, or unsettled.  WHEN IS MY BREAK?

  When in doubt, run, thats what i do best.  Ironically, this time I'm doing it literally instead of emotionally.  Thats right folks, instead of quitting everything and moving away from it all, I'm literally sweating it out my pores.  I feel so healthy and grown in so many ways I even scare myself.  I realize that i no longer can make anyone else happy, I just need to make myself happy and that's enough.  If someone can run along side and keep up, then maybe they're worth it, as of yet, they don't seem to exist.  

 Its so strange, I was recently hurt by someone I love, and I'm fine, I'm really happy,  I don't even hate them, I feel sorry for them.  I don't really even know them, and they don't know themselves.  Even better yet, I don't blame myself.  I keep waiting for the old me to come back and be self loathing and tortured, but i'm not, i'm fine.  I'm stronger than I even knew was possible.  I'm excited, I've been given a chance,  a chance at real happiness.  A chance at not having to put in all the tiring effort on my own, but a chance at being appreciated and have someone do the same for me.  Its refreshing, and this time, it didn't take much time to realize this at all...oh my god i'm a healthy adult (there goes my painting career).  Blessings come in disguises all the time, I finally unmasked this one...Hallelujah!

On to bigger fish, like how the hell do the dogs always manage to Houdini their way out of the kitchen? That my folks maybe a question for the next TIME...hehe